Written on Sunday, 13 May 2018
I still can’t shake a feeling that has consumed me for a while. It is a sense of impending doom. Dread which lies in the pit of my stomach, gnawing at me from the inside out. I live the life I have so far lived, as but a dreamer would. Wandering from scene to scene, never really engaging with things, and when I finally find something worth engaging with, it changes or fades away.
I am inexperienced in all of the things that matter, and the longer I go on into the unknown of life, the less I seem to know.
I want to feel confident that I am being me, the truest version of myself, but I feel compromised, unable to express a part of me that I do not fully understand.
I want more than I currently have, but to attain it, I fear I will have to become something I am not ready to be. Whole.
There was perhaps a time where I was happy, and I was ready to be anything. But at some point, I either strayed from the path or chose one to narrow and confined to allow me any room for error. Now the path that lies before me is overgrown with thorns and vines and I stumble at every step forward. Backwards is just as treacherous, just as difficult. No, I cannot go back. To embrace even a facet of what I want does seem to show me a way forward that isn’t just to lie down and wait for death to claim me.
If I persevere, perhaps I can move forwards, really embracing what I am. What I want to become.
Another ramble of words that sound like I am making progress, but even as I write, I know that they hold no meaning. They are the words inscribed on the wall that surrounds my emotions, they are the mantra that keeps me moving forward, without ever truly engaging with where I have been. I wish I understood my emotions, but they are as confusing as they are elusive.
To live, I simply have to participate in life. The longer I sit and hope that life happens to me, the longer I will sit and observe, never truly knowing happiness.
I have things that I am truly blessed to have, so why can’t I see them for what they are?
I wish there was an easier way to move forward, but that is not the point of life. It is facing that which is difficult, which gives us the challenge we need to know that what we are doing is what we want to do.
It is finding a challenge that is worth overcoming that shows us what we want, and what we are willing to work for.
Passion is about finding that which drives you.