And she is with us.
There is often no reason to force the words for they will come. The words often unknown until they are committed to paper.
I miss mum. Getting to Carnoustie was hard, we all resisted and dragged our heels, but we are here now. It pains me that she is not here, where she has been every other time we’ve been here. But…I miss her, no not her presence. For she truly is here, and is with me now as much as she ever is. But I am longing. Longing for a time long passed.
A childhood that if I could live again would strive to be here more, to take not for granted the opportunity to be here more in later years. I didn’t come in later years, only when I had to…and now I don’t get to, not in the way we did before.
I don’t want the next time we come to be without him. He makes loving and including him difficult, but I want to enjoy my time with him. Making memories to reflect on rather than recriminating myself later for the lost opportunity to do so.
I miss her. I miss her counsel. I miss her guidance. I miss her.
We’ll get by, but different is the new normal and it is incomparable to the time spent with mum.
Author’s Note: It is two years to the day since my family gathered along with all of our friends and relatives to say our last goodbyes to my mother Thilda, The Beautiful Warrior.
We lost my mother suddenly in September 2018 to Sepsis. Since then we as a family have tried to find some semblance of normal, but accept now that we cannot return to the way things were; but instead have had to come to terms with the way things are.
I wrote this on arrival at a cottage in Scotland where as a family we went to stay at least once a year on holiday. It is a space that feels just as comfortable as home. Last year for Christmas we returned to the cottage for the first time since mum passed. It was different, but of course it was always going to be. On arrival we all separately moved from room to room, knowing who we were looking for, without being able to vocalise it. Like always it was hard being there without her. We each learned in our own way, as we have done everyday since she passed, that she is still with us.
Wherever we go, and whatever we do, it is powerful to know that her love has never once faltered…
…and still she is with us.
Picture Used Taken: Carnoustie, Scotland (May, 2017) ©DSCoremans