Scared

I am scared today.

More scared than I was yesterday.

A deadline draws nearer, and the closer I get the more the terror sinks in. Making me second guess everything I think, and everything I know.

Wanting to offer up unnecessary apologies. Have I made a mistake?

Decisions can be unmade just as easily as they are made. Right?

Yet, I know that I didn’t make this decision. The time to move on has come, time and time again. Yet every time so far I have pushed it off, struggled on, and lost more of myself in the process.

It never leaves. It returns time and time again, faster, and faster. Until it looms over you, the decision you refuse to make.

Loving a job is not reason enough to do it.

You have to gain from it. Not just financially. That should never be a primary factor, but a bonus to doing something with your life that leaves you feeling accomplished. First and foremost I look to make a difference. Every day that I invest in others, is a day I feel proud of.

But I am a ghost there now. Chasing the high that a former version of myself could never resist.

It is a part of me more than anything else I have ever been connected to. It is part of what made me who I am today.

I am scared today because soon I will move on.

To what I do not know.