Free Verse – Struggle

I am trying, as only the god can attest, I am trying.

I don’t always realise how far I’ve come, then I find poems like this one which remind me of how much I have accomplished in a relatively short space of time.

I wrote ‘Struggle’ in December of 2018, my mother had just passed away and I was still adjusting to the realities of being a full-time carer and guardian. I was so lost, even though I was surrounded by a reality I had known all my life. Significant change made everything around me feel unreal, and I became displaced from my life and my sense of self.

But still I pushed on; I had academia to focus on and the day to day routine of a carer to keep me going, if not for myself then for those around me.

I haven’t yet found all of my answers, but instead I’ve found new questions to ask and as I look for the answers still I find more and more of myself.

The struggle is ongoing; but the reward is in the journey and being able to look back on times where you could only look forward, proud that you came through.

***

Free Verse – Struggle

I woke up
tired and sore.

I think it goes beyond
the bed I slept in.

Beyond
the environment
I spend my days within.

I think
the life I am living
is one that will lead
invariably
to further pain
and hardship.

I have struggled
to get to where I am,
and on arrival
it seems I have been lost
for some time.

I don’t recognise
many of the people
I once called my friends.

I seem determined
to hide away
from any real connection;
for no real reason
other than fear
that I will once again
find myself
hurt…in some way.

I am most ill at ease
with my own inability
to recognise
myself.

I do not know who I am
nor what kind of person.
I do not know what it is
that I should be trying
to do with my time.

I do not know who I am.

There are some days
when on the horizon
a glimmer of hope can be seen,
but most often I am drawn
inexplicably towards darkness.

The darkness in which slow
and unbearable pain
is all that awaits.

Deep down I know
that I travel towards the pain,
because I know
that somehow
…I deserve it.

Happiness,
is only for those
whose souls remain
untarnished.

2018©DSCoremans

Picture Used Taken: Alva, Scotland (May, 2018) ©DSCoremans